Bereavement care is a hard topic to talk about but there are many things that need to be said about it. In the first part of this article, we mentioned all the statistics about baby loss and bibliography was used to provide evidence-based knowledge (Link: Baby Loss & Bereavement Care: Part 1 ). However, baby loss is something that holds a lot of emotions and is a very difficult situation. That's why we decided to work with Melissa Newman, an extraordinary midwife amongst others things, and hear her story and her point of view as a bereaved parent and also as a midwife.
Melissa qualified as a midwife 4 years ago and in this time she has completed an MSc in Genomic Medicine, won an alumni award, presented at conferences, published numerous papers in journals and written Trust guidelines. As well as midwifing, she is a healthcare professional in the Covid19 vaccination programme and nearing the end of the second year of her Professional Doctorate. She runs the Instagram account @_midwifelife_, which aims to inspire, encourage and educate aspiring, student and qualified midwives and allied health professionals.
I, personally, am very grateful to work with Melissa and I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for writing this amazing article and sharing her thoughts with the "Being A Midwife" blog. She is an amazing human being and it totally worths checking out her social media! Let's appreciate her article!
© MELISSA NEWMAN, THE “BEING A MIDWIFE” BLOG, SOME RIGHTS RESERVED, 01/06/2021
Illustration: Via Instagram/@lianalaneart
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With 25% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage and just under 2% ending in stillbirth globally, millions of parents carry their baby in their heart instead of their arms. Yet, the stigma and taboo associated with baby loss prevails, preventing many families from receiving the help they so desperately need. This unvoiced grief can fester, manifesting as mental and physical health problems. The grief is unlike anything else experienced – it is raw, primal and creeps into every corner of your body and mind, completely affecting your functioning. Thus, it is paramount for bereaved parents to be empowered, informed of their choices and have their wishes respected during the worst time of their life. Midwives are in the prime position to provide tender physical care and compassionate, empathetic emotional care. Every parent is deserving of this as, regardless of gestational age, each individual baby is their parents’ whole world.
Baby loss is a unique kind of grief as a future of possibilities is also lost, hopes are obliterated and dreams smashed to smithereens. A parent’s entire world comes crashing down as soon as the words “I’m sorry, your baby’s heartbeat is gone” falls upon their ears. In the coming seconds, a cascade of emotions hit, which can include but are not limited to; sickening shock, dizzying disbelief and overwhelming anger. When the news sinks in, shame and guilt set in. As a midwife who lost her daughter, I was flooded with these feelings as it seemed I could keep other people’s babies safe but not my own. Midwifing after loss is, I believe, extremely brave, as triggers are everywhere. They are completely inescapable but midwifery requires you to be on the ball at all times – a split second to dwell on personal memories could cost a life and, as a bereaved parent, the last thing you want is for anyone else to suffer the same intense pain. You learn to live with a heavy heart and intrusive ‘what ifs’ while doing your utmost to provide gold standard care to every client to ensure they don’t suffer what you have.
It was witnessing my mother’s poor care and lack of support throughout and following my brother’s stillbirth that inspired me to become a midwife. His story also informed my MSc and PhD choices, therefore I like to believe his death wasn’t in vain and he is always with me. It is mostly inappropriate to share personal experiences with clients, particularly as the majority of birthing people’s journeys are positive and so it would be wrong to tarnish their joy with stories of loss in response to their question “do you have children?” However, on occasion, sharing snippets of my brother or daughter’s stories has provided great comfort and reassurance to families that they will get through this horrific period somehow. If you are a midwife or student who has suffered loss, it is of course up to you how much, if at all, you divulge to families about your experiences. You must learn to judge the appropriateness of the situation – hence why I only share with selected families when I know them well enough to believe they will benefit. Picking the right time is also crucial – they don’t want to know about you at the moment they hold their precious child for the first time. Saying “me too” at the wrong time could be misinterpreted as taking away from their experience and emotions.
Many aspiring midwives are fearful they will struggle to control their emotions enough to provide high quality care when babies die. This is a completely valid concern but please know that, as you will be supernumerary, you are allowed to discreetly step outside the room if you find the situation overwhelming. I also always tell students they do not have to adopt a poker face – showing emotion is actually good as it demonstrates to parents how much their baby means to you. So long as you aren’t in an inconsolable state, shedding a tear or two is fine. And know that collapsing into a blubbering mess as soon as you leave the room is also fine. I cared for three bereaved families on my very first week on placement, which was make or break. It made me seriously question how any baby makes it through pregnancy, is born alive and then stays alive. It was a lot for teenage me, who’d just left school, to take in. I was in the real world now and the rose-tinted glasses through which I’d previously viewed midwifery had been shattered. The harsh reality I’d been thrown into was very different to how One Born Every Minute portrayed the vocation. Midwives on the TV laughed jollily as they sipped tea, ate cake and cuddled babies, not a dead baby or distraught family in sight. It was thanks to my mother’s experiences with my brother that I wasn’t completely disillusioned that midwifery is sunshine and roses all the time.
Before I lost my daughter, bereavement care was one of the most fulfilling aspects of my role and I’m pleased to say that hasn’t changed, it is still just as rewarding to meet babies very few others will. However, my urging of vigilant fetal movement monitoring and meticulous discussion of safe sleeping advice now comes from a place of empathy and heartbreak. Please do not approach these subjects as tick-box exercises, give them the time they deserve – so what if your clinic runs a bit late – it could quite literally save a life. And take it from me, that is priceless.
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Again, we would like to say a big thank you to Melissa and we would love for you to go and check her Instagram account!
We strongly encourage you to contact us in whatever way suits you and discuss the article, suggest ideas for upcoming content, tell us your strong and emotional stories or for any other reason you would like.
E-mail: beingamidwifeblog@gmail.com
Instagram: @beingamidwife.blog
Facebook: The "Being a Midwife" blog
Thank you for your support!
Co-Founder and Co-Writer
The “Being a Midwife” team
Melissa Newman
Midwife, MSc in Genomic Medicine
Reference list
WHO. (n.d.). WHO | Stillbirths. [online] Available at: https://www.who.int/maternal_child_adolescent/epidemiology/stillbirth/en/#:~:text=In%202015%20there%20were%202.6 [Accessed 31 May 2021].
WHO. (n.d.). WHO | Stillbirths Statistics. [online] Available at: https://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/maternal_perinatal/stillbirth/en/.
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