“There are millions of fathers in this world, but not all of them are dads”
During a pregnancy only one person carries the baby inside his body and gives birth to it, but 2 parents are involved, by that meaning that pregnancy and birth do not only affect the pregnant one. The father has a crucial role in pregnancy and birth too. This article is here to clarify this role and inform every parent, Midwife or student Midwife about it.
Disclaimer: Midwifery is a very inclusive and safe space for everyone, where your identity and your needs are valid and important to us. Thus, the terms used in this article aim towards making everyone feel comfortable and included.
Uterus owner (person with a uterus, uterus having person) <--> Woman
Parent <--> father (dad), mother (mom)
Birthing person <--> mother (mom)
Pregnant (pregnant person) <--> mother (mom)
Breastfeeding (Breast) <--> Chestfeeding (Chest)
[if you feel that you are not included at any point, please contact us and help us change that]
© KAMPERI PARASKEVI, SOME RIGHTS RESERVED, 10/12/2020
Father's role at P&B in the past centuries
Until about the second half of the past century there was a “traditional” perspective of fatherhood that would apply to most of the fathers worldwide. Fathers had a tendency towards uninvolvolvement in pregnancy, birth and childcare, they would just wait in the waiting room during labour and they were hardly active in child raise. The person that would help the woman during her pregnancy and a short postnatal period was her mother or her mother in law. From the ’60s though, fathers started becoming “dads” and having or wanting to have a more direct and active role in parenthood. These “traditional” parenting models of the mother – housekeeper – childraiser and the father – moneymaker started to faint during the end of the 20th century and family roles started to alter.
Father's role at P&B nowadays
Nowadays, the perspective of the “couple” is getting stronger and stronger. Future parents do not perceive themselves as individuals but as a couple and the terms “they/them/their” and “we/us/our” are symbolizing this feeling of unity between them.
“We are pregnant!”
“They are having a child.”
“You (plural) need to both take care of your baby’s hygiene.”
"It is our responsibility to be aware of the dangers.”
"Their baby is beautiful!”
Today, there are lots of mothers with careers, more single dads and less help from the family mostly due to distance, so fathers are more triggered to be active in their children’s care. There are divorced parents with joint care of their children, so fathers have to take more responsibilities. But after all, caring for your child is not just a responsibility, but, also, an internal need for attachment.
How can fathers be a part of P&B
How to be a part of Pregnancy:
Ø Just be there
Ø Be patient with the pregnant person’s mood shifts
Ø Take your partner for a walk
Ø Massage your wife and let her guide you
Ø Create the nursery room together
Ø Create your birth plan together
Ø If you are planning for homebirth, you can choose the birth room and help paint it and decorate it properly
Ø Attend birth classes together
Ø Get informed on all the new topics you are facing (pregnancy, childbirth, baby care, etc)
Ø Listen carefully to your partner’s needs
Ø Make a playlist for the day of birth that is going to relax your partner during labour
How to be a part of Birth:
Ø Just be there
Ø Make sure your partner is comfortable every moment
Ø Protect her privacy (she is the one to determine “privacy”)
Ø If you are planning for a homebirth, make sure the atmosphere of the birth room is relaxed and calm (you can use the “Birth Playlist” if your partner wants to)
Ø Give the pregnant person a pain relief massage and help her with some stretches
Ø Help her move around and change positions
Ø Stand by your partner’s side
Ø Be a part of “Rooming-in” and have a skin-to-skin contact with your newborn baby
Why the father's presence is important
The presence of the father during pregnancy is very important, even if he sometimes feels a little unnecessary. The father plays the role of the protector during this time, he stands by the side of his partner and listens to their problems and needs. He, also, makes sure about the woman’s comfort and their baby’s safety and he is the main supporter of their future family.
At the time of birth, he ensures nothing disturbs their and their baby’s privacy and he leads Midwives and Doctors towards his partner’s needs. The father is the one that guards the birth’s space in order for it to remain calm and relaxed. He takes all of those concerns that disturb his partner’s peace during this magic time of childbirth.
Father’s concerns
Some of the most commonly expressed concerns are all about the act of birth. Fathers can easily support their partners during pregnancy, but they are much more worried when the time of childbirth gets closer. This happens due to the fear of the unknown. They are widely aware of the fact that they cannot equally share the responsibility of the birth and they are afraid of not being enough. In addition to that, they are physically stressed, because they are afraid of not being able to deal with the actual act at the end (lots of fathers faint during labour) and not feeling strong enough to support and protect their wives. Also, they can experience alienation from sexuality, and that is because they think that every time from now on they are going to attempt a sexual approach they are going to remember how their partner’s vagina looked like when giving birth.
Although, remember that every person is different, so are dads. You have to take into consideration their point of view and get to a conclusion together when it comes to birth planning. He is going to support you no matter what!
BUT (a reminder)
As a pregnant person and future parent, you have to remember that if there is no father figure (including other LGBTQ+ parents) along, does not mean you cannot get through this. If you are or going to be a single parent you are the strongest person existing (and this applies to EVERY single parent) because you are brave enough for two parents. You are the mother and the father figure combined and this makes you brave, strong, ready, attractive and a marvelous person. We stand by your side and we are here for anything you would want to discuss!
Conclusion
Fathers are equally important, and a part of pregnancy and labour in every way possible. They are supporters, helpers and protectors of this holy idea of the future family and they are never unnecessary or useless during this part of the couple’s life. But do not forget! Single parents are strong as two people and capable of everything. We really hope this article informed you and helped you realize how father figures can contribute to the childbearing. We strongly encourage you to contact us in whatever way suits you and discuss the article, suggest ideas for upcoming content, tell us your strong and emotional stories or for any other reason you would like.
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Thank you for your support!
Co-Founder and Co-Writer
The “Being a Midwife” team
Bibliography
Fatherhood, Ross D. Parke, Harvard University Press
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